Hevel

Uncertainty gnaws like cancer

Playing limbo with the questions 

While I stumble through the colored squares

like the Sorry game piece

bumped back to the beginning

more often than moved on.

I know about waiting rooms with magazines 

small stuff living while

the big dreams fester-

I am young.

And God is changing me.

There are lonely moments when

the friendships feel scattered 

like dead leaves crushed 

under light up tennis shoes and

caught up on autumn wind 

to multiplied adventures 

while I'm still here-  

A fragment of color stuck

To rain soaked concrete.  

But I am conflicted.

I want safe danger

I want protected risks

I want stable fluctuations

Spontaneous schedules

Responsible rebellion

Experienced youth

I want sound and silence.

I want the ice to freeze within the fire.   

To fill my lungs past capacity before I exhale. 

I want both gnats and galaxies to devour me whole.

I want it all-

And then I want more

My world cannot exist. 

There are star clusters in the night sky.

Indistinct sparkles glowing mysteries.  

I want to know them like I know my own handwriting.  

But I am just a human pounding 

on the ceiling limitations

banging my forehead 

on the darkness of the dome

feeling the pressure of mutual exclusivity.  

To know about the things I do not know about is maddening

I am drawing drops of water from a dry well

I am speaking my soliloquy to an empty room-

But I am young and

laced with Eden's longings.

Only God is God.

This is the message of 

Ecclesiastes.